Crash and Burn
by Lila2
Summary: Max and Alec get to know each other a little better
1. The Thin Line between Love and Hate

Author's Note:  
Just a couple things to share: some of the details of the story might not be completely accurate, i.e., the set up of the Crash, but they're all included for storyline purposes. There are no spoilers in this story and it takes place in the near future. Finally, the story is mostly from Max's perspective, but there will be a few sections where Original Cindy is the narrator. I tried to make it as clear as possible, but if anyone has any questions, feel free to email me and I'll try and explain as best I can. Please read and respond. This is my first "Dark Angel" fic, and I'm curious to know what longtime readers think of it. Most of all, I hope you enjoy!  
  
~ * ~  
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." - James Baldwin  
  
~ * ~  
Have you ever had one of those nights where everything changes? The kind where you wake up the next morning and close your eyes and think about how nothing really happened, but everything is different? I mean, some things are the same: the world still turns and the sun still comes up and all that cheesy stuff, but your life is never the same. I'm lying in my bed right now doing exactly that. Images of last night flash through my mind: tender hands and hot kisses and my body arching under his. I roll over and pull my pillow over my head as if I can erase what I did last night. But I can't. The evidence is all over my body: the finger shaped bruises on my wrists, the purpling bites on my breasts, the ripped clothing lying in a puddle on my bedroom floor. I don't know what happened last night. I'm not in heat; there's no explanation for my actions. Except that I wanted him. I wanted to touch that hard body, to feel him inside me. Despite my programming and genetic make up, I'm still a woman. . .and I have wants and needs like every woman does. And last night, I wanted him.   
  
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I love Logan, right? I love his loyalty and intelligence, his kindness and heart of gold, how he doesn't give up on us even though I can't touch him. But if I love him so much, why did I sleep with the enemy? I sit up and get out of bed; it's not doing me any good to stay at the scene of the crime. I need to talk to Logan. I need to explain what happened, make him understand how sorry I am. Yet, at the same time, what do I have to be sorry for? I knew what I was doing when I slept with Alec; I wanted it as much as he did. It just felt. . .right; being with him was like coming home. But why does something so right have to be so wrong?  
  
*** FLASHBACK ***  
  
~ * ~  
The Crash is as dark and smoky as ever, an old school, pre-pulse band playing on the jukebox and the pool table is more packed then usual. It's been a long day and all I want to do is hang with my best girl and knock back a few cold ones. Original Cindy is chilling at our table, a pitcher of the Crash's cheapest import next to her elbow and an annoyed expression on her face; she hates it when I'm late.   
  
"Hey boo," I say with a smile as I slide in next to her. "Sorry I'm late."  
  
"Hmmph," she grunts and drains her glass.  
  
"Come on!" I whine. "It's been a long day. How 'bout I buy the next one?"  
  
She puts down her glass. "Normal extra annoying today?"  
  
I smile; my girl's back. "When is he not? He was going on and on about all the complaints Jam Pony's been getting lately. It's not my fault Alec doesn't understand the meaning of polite."  
  
"He might not be nice, but the boy sure is beautiful."  
  
I look up from my beer in surprise. "Since when do you care?"  
  
"Boo, I might bat for the other team, but that doesn't mean I can't see a fine man when he comes along. Thinking about takin' advantage?"  
  
I roll my eyes. "You know I'm with Logan."  
  
Her eyebrows rise an inch or so. "Okay," I admit. "I should be with Logan."  
  
She reaches over and pats my hand. "Things don't always work out the way you want them to."  
  
I clear my throat and finish my drink. "Can we change the subject? I don't want to talk about Logan anymore."  
  
"Too late," she says and gestures towards the door. I look over and see Logan making his way through the crowd, Asha trailing behind him.  
  
"And he brought her," I snap.  
  
"They're just friends, boo," Original Cindy says.   
  
I roll my eyes again. "Right."  
  
I wait for him to come over and say hi, but he doesn't see me. Instead he and Asha tuck themselves into a cozy corner table and start an intense discussion about god knows what.   
  
"Well what do we have here?" Original Cindy drawls. "Look what the cat dragged in."   
  
I look in the direction she's staring and see Alec walk through the door. I feel my face flush at the very sight of him. His clothing is simple, a t-shirt and jeans, but he looks good. And from the stares he's getting, the female patrons think so too. He goes over to the bar and rests his back against it as he slowly sips from a frosted bottle. He watches the girls as they walk by, his eyes raking their bodies from head to toe. One in particular catches his eye, a short blonde with a body like a brick house. A slow, steady smile curves his lips and he grips the edges of the bar, the muscles of his biceps bulging under the thin cotton of his shirt.   
  
She eases up next to him at the bar, shaking her hips slightly as she orders. Even from this distance I can see his eyes darken with appreciation. He starts up a conversation with her and she laughs. Then she raises one hand slides it around his bicep. I can imagine she's making comments about what big muscles he has and Alec is eating it up. After a minute or two of conversation he takes her hand and leads her to the makeshift dance floor. I watch her body curve into his and feel something foreign prick the back of my throat. "You're not jealous," I tell myself. "You hate Alec. He's impolite and rude and selfish and annoying." I try to look away but my gaze locks with his; he winks at me over the girl's head.   
  
"If looks could kill that chica would be dead," Original Cindy says softly. "I thought you hated him." I don't even realize I'm glaring at them until she points it out.  
  
"I do."  
  
"You know, they say there's a thin line between love and hate."  
  
"Then it's good I know what side I'm on."  
  
"You gotta work this out with him, boo."  
  
"There's nothing to work out. We're. . .friends, I guess."  
  
"Or maybe there's more."  
  
"What are you talking about?" I ask, not liking the too knowing smile curving her lips.  
  
She leans closer and puts on her most know-it-all voice. "You like him."  
  
"I do not!"  
  
"It's not a bad thing. There are worse ones you could pick."  
  
"It's not that. As soon as I kick this virus thing Logan and I will be together the way we should be."  
  
"Uh huh," she says doubtfully and takes a sip of her beer. She waves to Sketchy and he waves back as he comes over to us. I trace a bead of moisture on my glass and pout.  
  
"What's the deal with you two?" he asks as he straddles a chair across from me. I glare at her and cross my arms over my chest.  
  
"Just a little girl talk," Original Cindy explains. "Nothin' to worry about." She pinches me under the table, a sign that I need to at least pretend everything's okay.  
  
He pours himself a beer and starts bitching about Normal and Jam Pony and the irate customers he had to deal with today. I try to pay attention and even manage to make a comment or two, but I can't take my eyes off Alec and the girl.  
  
He pulls her closer and she buries her face in the curve of his neck. I can see her tongue slip out and trace a slow circle over his throat. He slides his hands lower and cups her bottom; they're borderline indecent. They turn slowly, their bodies swaying to the music. She's facing me, but she's too busy sucking on his neck for me to see her face; but I can see her hands running up and down his back. My hand tightens around my glass and I push it away before the force of my grip shatters it. I can't take my eyes off them. I want to look away, to think about other things. . .but I can't. Alec has gotten under my skin and he's driving me nuts.   
  
I don't understand what's happening to me. I'm supposed to love Logan; didn't I just choose him over Zack? When I made it out of Manticore again I had such high hopes about life in Seattle. Logan and I would be together, maybe we'd even settle down at some point, think about starting a family. Maybe I'll finally be normal. But as usual, things didn't work out the way I intended. I have a virus that prevents me from touching the man I think I love and a lot of unresolved feelings for the man I think I hate.   
  
I watch him with that slut of a girl and wish I were the one in his arms. I've only known him a few months but I feel like I've known him forever. Maybe it's because he looks so much like Ben; maybe it's because he understands me. Yes, scarily, on some level he knows what makes me tick. He's been through Manticore, he knows what it's like. I can see the changes in him, changes he's made since he met me. He's not as selfish and narcissistic as he was when I first met him. He paid back the money he owed me after all. He's slowly learning about compassion and selflessness; about doing right by others and finding gratification in it; that other people matter and it's sometimes necessary to put others above yourself. I like him better now; I don't want to, but I do. He's nothing but trouble, an accident waiting to happen. He flaunts his barcode like a big "fuck you" to Manticore, but someday it's going to catch up with him.   
  
The girl runs her fingers through his hair, her hand caressing the back of his neck and baring his barcode to anyone in sight. Instead of flinching, like he does when I touch him there, he slides his hands down her sides and squeezes. I can't take it anymore. I put my glass down with a load thump. He's endangering me, Joshua, Zack, all my siblings by allowing people to know he's Manticore. Nothing means more to me then protecting the people I love. And Alec needs to know that.  
  
I storm over to him and angrily grab his arm. "We need to talk."   
  
The girl looks up with haughty eyes. "We're kind of busy here."  
  
He wraps an arm around her shoulders and drags her against his side. She snuggles into him, laying her head on his shoulder. "Amber and I are just getting acquainted."   
  
I tighten my grip on his bicep. "Not now. Alec, let's go." Amber eyes dart between Alec and me, trying to figure out what's going on between us. Her eyes widen a bit and I can see fear spark there. I feel bad for her. She's an innocent girl caught in someone else's problem. She pulls out of his grasp and takes a step back.   
  
"You know Alec, we don't really know each other that well. Maybe we should just do this another time. . ." She trails off and slips out from under his arm, taking off at a run and disappearing into the crowd.  
  
He frowns slightly, but doesn't say anything. "Nice pick," I comment.   
  
He shrugs his shoulders. "She's okay. Nothing special. I've had better."  
  
I glare at him. "I can't believe that's how you view women. You are such a misogynist pig!"   
  
"Those are some fighting words, Maxie."  
  
"Don't call me that!" I close my eyes for a minute. That name always brings back memories of Zack and the way I betrayed him.  
  
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "Is there something you want Max? I was enjoying myself before you rudely interrupted--."  
  
I grab his hand and drag him off the dance floor. We stop in front of the jukebox and an old Pearl Jam song plays through the packed bar. "You need to cover your barcode."  
  
"I did," he says. It's true, his hair covers the barcode for now, but it was out in the open just a few minutes before.   
  
"I mean all the time," I say. "That girl just exposed you. What if someone from Manticore or White was in here? You wouldn't stand a chance."   
  
He laughs. "Yeah, right. I'm not afraid of getting caught, Max. Aren't you the one that always says all you want is a normal life? That's what I'm trying to do."  
  
"By exposing us all in the process? We all want a normal life. It's not fair if you blow it for everyone because you're careless!"  
  
"And you're not? Who runs around Seattle breaking people out of prison?"  
  
"It's called a conscience, Alec. You wouldn't know what one is if it hit you in the face."  
  
For a second I can swear I see hurt in his eyes, but before I have time to process the thought, his eyes go blank. "I have a conscience, Max," he says softly. "Why do you think I paid back the money for the doctor?"  
  
"'Cause you know I'd kick your ass if you didn't."  
  
He looks at me curiously. "You really don't get it do you?"  
  
"Get what?"  
  
He shakes his head. "I'm outta here. I don't have time for your crap."  
  
"We're not finished yet!"  
  
He turns to face me. "Max, what is the problem? I know you're not this pissed about the bar code."  
  
I look around the bar and notice people are starting to stare at us. I take his hand again and drag him out the door. I check to make sure we're alone before I start on him again; I don't want to attract any undue attention.  
  
"I am pissed at you, Alec," I explain. "You don't know what it's like to be me. You don't know what I went through at Manticore and how I've changed since I got out. You don't understand why it was so important for me to escape and reclaim the life I've lived since I was ten years old. I like being free," I say and gesture to the empty alley and inky sky. "I like being able to do what I want when I want to. I'm not a soldier anymore, I'm not a genetically engineered fighting machine. I like this life and I'm not going to let you take it away from me."  
  
He cocks his head and studies me, his eyes burning into mine. I lift a hand and rub my cheek. "What?" I say. "Do I have something on my face?"  
  
A smile curves his lips. "Max," he says. "I'm not taking anything from you."  
  
"You will if you let people see your barcode!"  
  
"Okay," he says. "I get the point. I'll make sure it's covered. Are we done yet?" He turns to go back inside.  
  
It's my turn to be confused. "Why aren't you fighting me?" I ask him.  
  
He turns on his heel and stops. "What am I supposed to be fighting?"  
  
"You're giving in too easily. What's the deal, Alec?"  
  
He sighs and leans back against the brick wall. "I like my life," he says quietly. "Until you, I didn't know anything but Manticore. I liked being a soldier, being genetically engineered or whatever you call it." He laughs softly. "You changed everything for me. When I got out here in the real world I realized there's a lot more to life then what Manticore taught me. I like it here; I don't want to go back to my old life."  
  
I suck in a breath and stare at him in awe. I never knew he felt this way; I didn't think he was capable of feeling this way; I didn't think I could have such an impact on his life. But there's something about him tonight, a softening of his hard facade, that's making me look at him differently. I know I have feelings for him. . .but I never thought he had feelings for me.  
  
~ * ~  
I watch Max and Alec arguing, their hands waving through the air and their faces flushed. If I didn't know better, I'd say there's some heavy-duty foreplay going on. But I do know better. . .and it is foreplay. Each time Alec takes a step closer to Max, or she jams an accusing finger into his chest, I swear sparks fly through the air. Those two need to get it on or they're going to self-destruct. Beside me, the now single Logan, intently watches, his fists clenching as Alec gains another point. He grumbles to himself, gets up, and starts in their direction.  
  
I put my hand on his arm and shake my head. "What?" he says. "Max needs my help."  
  
"Not this time, sugar."  
  
He lets out an exasperated sigh. "She has enough on her plate already. She doesn't need this kind of crap from Alec."   
  
I look at him sadly and wonder if he's just stupid or too far in denial to know what's really going on. "They can work it out on their own."   
  
He must have seen something in my eyes because something changes in his face; his features crumple and he slumps into his seat. "Has she said anything to you, about how she feels about him?"  
  
I shake my head. "Nothin' I know of. But you know how good that girl is at hidin' her feelings."  
  
I realize he's looking right past me and I turn to follow his line of vision; Max is holding Alec's hand as they leave the Crash. "I lost, didn't I?" he asks me sadly.   
  
I reach over and pat his hand. "I don't know what's goin' on, but you need to let her figure things out."  
  
He nods, a forlorn expression on his face. "She knows how to reach me if there's a problem."   
  
He gets up and heads out, his shoulders drooping slightly and his head bent. I feel sorry for the man. He may be uptight and self-righteous, but he has a pure heart and he loves my boo. And tonight, that heart is being ripped out of his chest. I was only half-lying when I told Logan I don't know what's going on with Alec and Max. She's never said anything to me so I technically know nothing. . .but that doesn't mean I don't know the truth. Every time she looks at him something changes in her eyes; I can't explain it, but she's different. Yes, she may fight with him constantly and say she hates his very existence, but it's all a good cover for her real feelings. She loves him. And she's lucky he loves her too. Whenever he's with her something changes in him. I can see it in the way he looks at her, how he always switches his schedule so he can work her shift; she thinks he does it to annoy her, but I know it's because he wants to be with her.   
  
I look towards the door, where Max and Alec disappeared just a few minutes before, and wonder if she's figured it out yet: he's perfect for her. I like Logan, I really do, but he's not the right man for her. He doesn't understand her, not the way Alec does. It's easy to say opposites attract, but there's a certain comfort only found with a person like yourself. Alec isn't like her in so many ways: he's self-centered and cocky and obnoxious, but I can see the good in him. He's kind to old ladies and small children; he goes out of his way to help Max with her "leg work"; when he makes a promise nothing can stop him from keeping it. And I see how vulnerable he is, how confused he is by the ways of the "real world." I don't know much about Manticore, just what Max told me, but I can tell it did a number on Alec too. It's like he was asleep for all his life and is waking up to learn all he ever knew is a big lie. He's afraid sometimes too; he just does a good job of hiding it.  
  
He's so like her sometimes that it scares me. They both want to be happy so bad they can taste it. . .they're just not sure how to get there. There's this underlying neediness, a yearning for love in the two of them that Logan can't begin to understand. They're two lost souls trying to find their way in the world and they need each other to find the right path.   
  
I grimace at how corny I my thoughts are. But it's all the truth. Alec and Max need each other. And someday, hopefully, they'll find what they need. 


	2. Baby, Heat it Up

Author's Note:  
Okay, this was supposed to be a one-part piece that keeps expanding and expanding. There will be another chapter, probably the last one, and I'll be posting it soon. Thank you to all who reviewed; I love hearing from you and reading what you think. Enjoy!  
  
~ * ~  
"Anyone can look at others eyes, but lovers can see into each others' souls through the eyes."  
- Larry Latta  
  
~ * ~  
I don't believe a single thing Alec said. I didn't change him; I further helped his burglary habit. I glare at him. "That's bullshit, Alec. The only reason you took the Jam Pony job was to get a Sector pass, scope places to rob, and find new territory to deal. Don't give me this crap about how I've made you a better person."  
  
"No," he explains. "Not better, different. You changed me, Maxie." His words are sincere, but his tone is mocking; so is his smile.   
  
"I told you not to call me that," I say angrily.   
  
He laughs sardonically. "What's got you so hot and bothered?"  
  
I glower at him again. "I'm not!" I insist. "That name has special meaning to me."  
  
"Like what?" Alec asks irreverently. "Pretty-boy Logan give it to you?"  
  
"It's none of your business!"  
  
"If you won't tell me I can't figure out what the big deal is. . .Maxie."  
  
"Don't play with me," I hiss through clenched teeth.  
  
He takes a step closer and I take a step back. "Who said anything about playing?" He takes another step and he's so close I can feel his breath on my cheeks. His mouth hovers over mine, separated by a scant inch of space. I look into his eyes and blue locks with brown. I realize he's going to kiss me. Before I can react he wraps me in his arms and slams me against the wall, his mouth devouring mine. To my surprise, I don't protest. I don't knee him where the sun don't shine or twist him into a headlock. Instead, I twine my arms around his neck and push myself against his chest.   
  
I feel his tongue at the seam of my lips and I open my mouth with a moan; he groans in response. I'm surprised at how good a kisser he is; they certainly don't teach you this kind of stuff in Manticore. His mouth is hot and hard, but surprisingly tender. His tongue plays with mine and I moan even louder. His hands slide down my sides and cup my bottom, pressing me even harder against him. I'm finding it difficult to think. I've never felt anything like this, so unwanted, yet so wonderful at the same time. I know I'm supposed to think it's wrong. . .but it feels so right. I've kissed men in my past: Logan, Rafter, a few others along the way--but it's never been like this. I've never lost control before--and it scares me.  
  
He breaks the kiss and rests his forehead against mine. "Wow," I whisper.  
  
"Yeah," he says. "Wow."   
  
He reaches out and brushes a lock of hair off my forehead, his fingers tracing the contours of my face. I close my eyes and sigh, falling into the cradle of his arms. It's been so long since I've been touched, really touched, the way a woman needs to be touched, and I can't get enough of him. I moan softly as he replaces his fingers with his mouth, brushing feather-light kisses all over my face.   
  
"Alec," I whisper. "What are you doing?"  
  
"Experimenting. Shhh," he says softly. "Relax for a minute, will ya?"   
  
I stand still in his arms as he kisses lower, working his way across my jaw to my neck. I cry out as his mouth massages the delicate skin of my throat. I tangle my fingers in his hair and hold him tightly against me, my breasts pushing against his hard chest. My breath is coming out in short bursts and I feel like I'm on the verge of fainting. But I've never felt so alive before. When I'm with Alec I forget about all my responsibilities to my siblings and Eyes Only; I get to be me, the real me, for once in my life. He lifts his head and looks deep into my eyes; he's breathing as hard as I am.   
  
"Where do you want to take this, Maxie?" he asks. Only this time the name doesn't break open an old wound--this time it feels right.   
  
I hold out my hand. "Come with me."  
  
He takes my hand and raises it to his lips, pressing a kiss to my knuckles. "Let's go."   
  
~ * ~  
I'm not sure how we get to my apartment without ripping each other's clothes off, but we somehow manage. I'm apprehensive when I open the door, uncertain of what's to happen next. Alec comes in after me, taking a second to survey his surroundings. He closes the door and comes up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist; I settle back against his chest.   
  
"We don't have to do this, you know. We can. . .talk if you want."  
  
I laugh. "Since when do we have anything to talk about?"  
  
He pushes my hair of my neck and starts kissing it again. He's found my weak spot and I melt against him. "I'm sure we can come up with something," he says against my skin.   
  
"It's a possibility." I turn in his arms. "Or maybe I'd rather do this," I say and pull his mouth down to mine.   
  
He groans as I kiss him and pulls me tighter into his arms. We stumble backwards to my bedroom, falling together on my bed. He's sprawled on top of me, every inch of his hard muscled-body in contact with mine. I stare into his eyes and see that peculiar look again, that mixture of tenderness and compassion that I can't understand. He bends his head and kisses me again. The kiss heats up, his mouth moving hotter and harder over mine. I want to feel his skin against me. I tug on the hem of his t-shirt and he breaks the kiss long enough to pull it over his head.   
  
He's gorgeous, all hard muscles and perfect definition. I wasn't paying attention the day he sauntered into my cell and ripped his shirt off and now I wish I had. I don't realize until now how much I've been missing.   
  
"I want to see you," he says, his voice thick with desire.  
  
I swallow hard, suddenly very nervous. I've never been naked in front of someone before. Sure, Rafer saw me naked, but I don't really remember what happened so I don't count that night. But this is different. He's looking at me like he wants to devour me. . .and with his Manticore genetics, I'm not sure he won't.  
  
I begin to pull my shirt over my head, watching his reaction as I move. His eyes darken with each inch of skin I reveal and I start to gain confidence. I take forever to remove my shirt and his body tenses with each minute that goes by. I'm not wearing a bra underneath the tight tank and his eyes get more hooded when I'm topless before him.   
  
"You're beautiful," he whispers, his eyes drinking in their fill. "God, Maxie, you're gorgeous."  
  
I can't help but smile at his praise and he smiles knowingly in return. He kisses his way down my body, starting with my neck, and working lower. His mouth fastens around my breast and I arch against him, rubbing myself against his body. He's hard and ready to go, but I'm not. I want to torture him a little more before anything else happens.   
  
His mouth moves even lower, across my rib cage, delving into the indent of my navel. I feel a rush of cool air against my stomach and realize he's undone my pants--with his teeth.   
  
"Creative aren't you?" I ask.  
  
"You'd be amazed what I can do with my mouth," he says. . .and he proceeds to show me.   
  
When I can finally think straight again I realize I'm lying naked beneath him and he's nearly fully clothed.  
  
"You're wearing too many clothes," I say seductively. "I think something needs to come off."  
  
I flip him so I'm straddling him and unbuckle his belt, my eyes widening as I undo each button. You know what they say about long fingers? Well, let's agree that it refers to other body parts too. He laughs at my expression and rolls us so we're face to face. "I'm not going to hurt you, Maxie," he says.   
  
I sneak a peak below. "You sure?"  
  
"I promise."  
  
He goes back to kissing me, his hands roaming over my body and his tongue playing with mine. I'm wet and hot and desperately wanting him inside me, but I also want to reciprocate the satisfaction he gave me. I crawl out from under him and slide the length of my body down his; he groans as my breasts brush over his chest. I slide lower, covering his torso with kisses as I move. I take him in my hands and he groans even louder.  
  
"Max, you're killing me," he says softly.  
  
"I know," I say and flick my tongue over the tip.  
  
He practically arches off the bed. "Max," he hisses. "I'm warning you."  
  
I run my tongue down the length of him. "And what will you do if I keep going?"  
  
He starts to say something, but I take him in my mouth and he shuts up. I've never done this before, but from the sounds he's making, I must be doing something right. I guess all those romance novels Kendra kept around the apartment are finally paying off.  
  
His body tenses and I realize he's about to lose it. He flips me on my back and spreads my thighs; I lock them around his waist. "You're amazing," he whispers tenderly and drives deep inside. I cry out and arch my back, instinctively tightening my muscles around him. He gazes deep in my eyes and starts to move, his thrusts slow and steady. But things rarely go slowly for us and this isn't any different. I feel the heat build and his movements quicken; I arch up to meet him thrust for thrust. It's hot and wet and better anything I've ever felt before.   
  
He takes my wrists and pins them over my head, moving at a different angle that takes him deeper and makes it better, if that's even possible. A coil of tension builds inside me and my cries get louder. I tighten my muscles one last time and shudder beneath him, crying out his name as wave after wave of pleasure engulfs me. I start again as he thrusts for a final time and pours himself inside me, calling my name like I did his.  
  
We stay like that for a long time, his face buried in the curve of my neck and my fingers tangled in his hair. What happened tonight was unbelievable, mind-blowing; I can finally see why people make such a big deal about sex. I gave something to Alec that I've never given to another man. He saw me totally free, without a care in the world, completely devoted to him and only him. I made the decision to give myself to him and it was incredible. Unfortunately, every choice has its consequences and this one is no different. My thoughts drift to Logan, I don't want to think about him, but I do. I hurt him tonight, more than I've ever hurt anyone in my life. I think about all the times I sat in his living room and complained about Normal and work. . .and Alec. "Oh God, this is going to kill him," I say softly.  
  
Alec stirs slightly and kisses my breasts; I force myself not to respond. I want to go for round two, but I won't let myself. I can't help but think of Logan, with his generous heart and puppy-dog eyes that will do anything for me. I can't believe what I've done. I stiffen in Alec's arms and fight back tears.  
  
"What's wrong?" Alec asks. I roll away and turn my back to him. He drapes an arm around my waist and hauls me up against his chest.  
  
"This wasn't supposed to happen," I say softly. "I'm supposed to hate you. I want to hate you."  
  
He leans down and presses a soft kiss against my shoulder. "You can't always get what you want."  
  
"That's the problem," I protest. "I did want this, but too many people are going to get hurt in the process."  
  
"You mean Logan," he says bluntly.   
  
"Yeah," I say softly. "He's going to be devastated."  
  
Alec lets me go and gets out of the bed. "He'll get over it," he says and steps into his pants. I can't take my eyes off him as he slides up the zipper and buckles his belt.  
  
I sit up and pull the covers up to cover my breasts. "I don't think so."  
  
"Wanna bet on it? That cute blonde of his will get things back to normal real fast."  
  
I frown. "He and Asha are just friends."  
  
He lets out a bark of laughter. "Right, like you and me are 'just friends'."  
  
"We are, Alec."  
  
He looks pointedly at the tangled sheets and clothes strewn around the room. "We're a little more then 'just friends'."  
  
I pull the sheet up higher and bury my face in my hands. "Alec, what am I going to do?"  
  
He pauses and sits down next to me. "What do you want to do?"  
  
I take one look at his beautiful mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind. "I want to kiss you."  
  
He smiles slowly and tilts his head. "That can be arranged. What else do you want?"  
  
I purposefully look down. "I want to feel you inside me."  
  
His eyes darken. "I can take care of that."  
  
Without a word his mouth attacks mine and we fall back against the pillows. He's as amazing as ever, but I can still manage a rational thought in my passion-clouded mind: Logan. I break the kiss. "Alec," I whisper. "What about Logan?"  
  
Something shifts in his eyes and for a second I think he's going to pick up and leave. "What do you want Max?" he says testily. "To be with me or worry about Logan?"  
  
I don't have to think twice to answer. "You."  
  
"Then let's get back to business."  
  
I push thoughts of Logan aside and concentrate on the man in front of me. Tomorrow morning I can think about the repercussions of my actions. Tonight, it's about me and Alec the passion burning between us.  
  
~ * ~  
Please, please, please respond!!! 


	3. Oops. . .I did it again

Author's Note;  
First of all, I'm sorry for the delay in updates but I've had a ton of work this week and it was hard to find the time to write. Second, I'm sorry this chapter is so short, but again, with all the work, I barely found the time to write this much. But luckily for all of you, the story's going to be longer now cause I only got in about a third of what I wanted to write in this chapter. I hope to have the next one up by Monday at the latest. Anyway, thank you for all the wonderful responses and the amazing support for this story. I hope you enjoy this chapter!!!  
  
~ * ~  
"There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings given to us to learn from."- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross  
  
~ * ~  
I push the door open hesitantly, hoping the coast is clear. I rub my back, massaging a sore spot where a loose spring in Sketchy's couch pressed a bit too hard, but I'd take his worn-down couch over the paper-thin walls of my apartment any day; I'm happy my boo finally got some, but that doesn't mean I want to hear it. I yawn and drop my coat on the couch as I head into the kitchen to find something to eat. It's early, I haven't had my coffee, and I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone; unfortunately, I'm not alone. Alec is standing in front of my stove wearing nothing but a pair of tight, black boxer-briefs. I might go for the gals, but even I can admit the boy is fine. His skin is golden and smooth and his muscles are bulging and I wish I were straight so I can get a piece. I whistle softly and he turns to face me.   
  
"Hey, hey," I say. "Up a little early aren't you?"  
  
He crosses his arms over his chest, the simple movement emphasizing the definition of his pectorals. "Hey, OC. We missed you last night."   
  
I peer over his shoulder in to the contents of the pan. "I'm sure you didn't. Making breakfast?"  
  
"I'm going to surprise Max."  
  
I cock an eyebrow. "I'm guessing things went well last night?"  
  
He raises an eyebrow too. "You're not surprised."  
  
I stir the eggs for him. "It was plain to see that you two were going to get it on eventually."  
  
He frowns slightly and uncrosses his arms. "It's not like that."  
  
"So tell me how it is."  
  
He runs a hand over his face and sighs. "I'm not sure. It's not like me and Max did a lot of talking."  
  
I drop the spatula and stare him down. "Sit," I say.   
  
"OC--," he starts.  
  
I point to the kitchen table. "Sit," I repeat.  
  
He glares at me, but slumps into a chair. "What?"  
  
I sit across from him. "We need to talk."  
  
"We don't need to talk. I was in the middle of making breakfast--."  
  
"You hurt her and I'll kill you," I interrupt and he bursts out laughing.  
  
I lean across the table, armed with my nastiest glare. "You listen to me, Alec. You might be stronger than me and smarter than me and more Manticore than me, but Max is my best friend and I'll kill you if you hurt her. What you did last night was low. You knew she was vulnerable and attracted to you and you acted on it. I'm not blaming you; most guys would do the same in that situation. But that doesn't mean you can fuck her and leave her, do you understand me? You remember that she's a person too and you'd better treat her right. Get it?"  
  
He glowers at me. "I get it. OC, take a hint: butt out of my life and let Max and me work it out, okay?" He forcefully pushes his chair back and heads back to the eggs, mumbling under his breath about being bitched out first thing in the morning.   
  
I smile to myself, satisfied at a job well done. I'm not mad at Alec; I know he loves Max and he doesn't want to do her harm. But he's also a guy, which doesn't exactly make him reliable; he could blow her off because he's too stupid to see what's right in front of him. He needed someone to set him straight, and who better than Max's best friend?  
  
~ * ~  
I lie in my bed, trying to figure out what happened last night. My cheeks burn with shame as I remember how wanton, needy I was with Alec. And all along he treated me like a queen. I was expecting teasing and mocking, but instead he was gentle and tender. I've never seen this side of him before, never seen him as anything but cocky, arrogant Alec.   
  
There was something in his eyes last night that I never thought I would see. He was looking at me the way I've always dreamed a man would look at me, full of passion and longing and something else, something that looked a lot like love. I laugh out loud. That's ridiculous. Alec doesn't love me. He definitely wants me and he may care for me, but the only person he loves is himself. But if that's true, why was we looking at me like that? Why was he looking at me the same way I looked at him?  
  
I push off the covers and get out of bed. My clothes are lying in a ragged pool on the floor, my shirt nearly in two pieces from Alec's haste to get it off me. I wonder where Alec is; I wouldn't be surprised if he left without saying goodbye. But I take a closer look and notice his jeans and boots lying beside mine. His clothes are still here, but where the hell is he?  
  
I put on my bathrobe and pad barefoot to the kitchen and nearly fall over at the shock of the scene before me: Alec and Original Cindy cooking. He's wearing only a pair of black boxer-briefs and he looks even better in the daylight then he did last night. The two of them are singing an old Dusty Springfield song, using the utensils as makeshift microphones. I hold in a giggle as Original Cindy throws back her head and belts out, "Now listen honey. . ." I plant a hand on my hip and clear my throat; they freeze like deer in headlights.  
  
"Hey Max," Alec says timidly as he drops the spatula in the sink. "Sleep well?"  
  
I cross my arms over my chest and finish the verse for them. "I just want to be beside you everywhere. As long as we're together baby I don't care. . ."  
  
"Didn't know you're a Dusty Springfield fan, boo," Original Cindy says self-consciously.  
  
I can't help but laugh. "You two are a sorry pair of singers."  
  
"Yeah," she says, her eyes darting back and forth between Alec and me. He's standing by the sink, his hips resting against the counter and his arms folded over his chest. He's staring right at me, his expression unreadable and his eyes full of questions. We have a lot of things to work   
out.   
  
"I'll let you guys have a breakfast in peace," Original Cindy says and bolts for her bedroom.   
  
The door slams closed with a bang, cloaking the room in silence. We stare at each other awkwardly, neither confident enough to make eye contact. Finally, he walks over to me and pulls me into his arms. He kisses my neck and I stiffen as his bare skin burns against mine. I feel so self-conscious around him, so out of sorts; I don't know what to do with myself. "What's wrong?" he asks.  
  
"Nothing," I say and pull away. "I'm just trying to regroup after last night."   
  
"Yeah, I'll be lucky if I can finish my route today. I'm beat."  
  
He turns back to the food and for the first time I see the nail marks marring the smooth skin of his back. I can't help but feel a little turned on when I realize I did that to him.   
  
"Um, so you hungry?" he asks. "I was trying to make you breakfast, but it didn't really work out," he explains, pointing to the mess of eggs burning in the frying pan. "Wanna try again?"  
  
I shake my head. "I'm not hungry," I say and take the orange juice out of the fridge. I wince at how empty it is; I'm hoping for big tips this week so I can eat like a somewhat normal person. I pour myself a glass of OJ and sit down at the table to drink it. I offer him some, but he declines. He's looking at me funny, something I can't recognize flickering in his eyes. His expression looks almost crestfallen, like a little boy who just lost his favorite toy. But that can't be right. This is indestructible, tough-as-nails Alec; he can't be upset about how I'm treating him. Or can he?  
  
I don't know what to say to him. Last night is a big blur of surreal feelings and I don't know how to deal with them. Do I say thank you? Ask to do it again? What's the protocol after a one-night stand? He's not making the situation any easier. He hasn't said a thing, just watches me from his position by the stove. I have no idea what he's thinking, if he even had a good time last night. I sip my juice in silence as I try and come up with what to tell him.  
  
After a few minutes he picks up the pan and dumps the eggs in the sink; I try not to cringe as food I paid good money for is wasted.   
  
"I need to get to work," he says. "Normal's gonna bust my ass if I'm late." He heads toward the bedroom to get dressed.  
  
I put down my juice and storm after him. "So that's it?" I cry. "We're not going to talk about what happened last night?"  
  
He pulls on his pants and tugs the zipper up. I frown as his washboard stomach is covered by a layer of denim; I flush as I remember tracing its contours with my tongue. "You made it pretty clear you don't want to talk about it."  
  
"I did not!"  
  
"Look Max," he says as he shrugs into his t-shirt. I watch his muscles bunch and pull under his skin and have to remind myself that I'm mad at him. "I tried to make breakfast for you, do something nice for you, and you don't give a damn."  
  
"I wasn't hungry. That doesn't mean I don't want to talk."  
  
He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Look, I have a job to do and I don't have time for your games. When you're ready to be a big girl and deal with what you did last night, we'll talk." He looks at me with eyes radiating such pain I have to look away. I realize I've blown it. He let me inside, let me see him off-guard and I threw it in his face. He'll never trust me again, not after this. I was supposed to be the vulnerable one, the scared one--it's funny how quickly the tables can turn.  
  
He pulls on his boots, his motions stiff with repressed anger. "Alec," I say and grab his arm to stop him.  
  
He twists out of my grasp and storms out of the apartment, the door slamming after him. I choke back a sob and collapse on my bed, hugging my pillow to my chest as I cry. I've never felt so bad about anything before. Hurting Alec is worse than Logan. Logan is giving and loving and open, freely dispensing love to those he cares about. Alec is so different. He doesn't let people in, let them see past the unbreakable he soldier was trained to be. He isn't an easy person to hurt because he doesn't let people see the vulnerable side of him. But he showed it to me this morning and I couldn't have reacted worse. I felt such a connection with him, felt such peace. I didn't feel weird or freakish or different; for once I felt like I finally belonged. And I ruined everything before I even had the chance to enjoy it.  
  
~ * ~  
Please, please, please respond!!! 


	4. I Want to Know What Love Is

Author's Note:  
First note, I began this story before "The Berisford Agenda" aired, so everything that happened in that episode doesn't apply to this story. Second, I am sooooooo sorry for the delay in chapters. I had a terrible case of writer's block and I missed a few episodes of "Dark Angel" so lost my inspiration for a while. I've also had an unbelievable amount of work that's kept me from writing. I just watched my tape of "Borrowed Time," got inspired, and started a new chapter. Thank you for all your wonderful, wonderful responses and I'm so glad you like my story. I hope you enjoy this chapter too!!!  
  
~ * ~  
"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give-- which is everything." - Anon  
  
~ * ~  
I turn off the waterworks right after Alec storms out. I cry for a full minute or two, and when I finally stop, I'm surprised with myself. I'm not the kind of girl who cries or whines or complains about her miserable life. I'm a born trooper, so I suck it up and shut up and pretend nothing's wrong. But something's very wrong. What happened with Alec changed everything for me. The things he makes me feel. . .they're so foreign I can't even describe them. I thought I loved Logan. I built my life around Logan, around fighting the virus that prevents us from touching. But now. . .all those things I thought were so important seem so meaningless. My thoughts are of Alec now, not Logan. I still want to cure the virus, so I don't kill Logan by accidentally touching him, but it's not the same anymore. I don't love him; I'm not sure I ever loved him. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love, of having the ability to love.   
  
Manticore didn't prepare me for the kinds of things that happened last night. I know how to be the perfect solider, to close off my mind and focus on the task at hand--they never taught me how to be a human being. All the things that make me who I am: my attitude, my stubbornness, my compassion. . . my ability to love--I learned them on my own. I came out of Manticore an emotionless, unaffected girl. . .and ten years later I'm a loving, caring woman. I know what it's like not to feel, to run from everything that threatens to crack my hard façade. I know what it's like to be afraid to let people in, to give them the power to hurt me. I spent so many years fighting the memories of my past, the pain I suffered at Manticore's hands. I lived by my own code and did what was best for me. . until I stole from the wrong person and everything changed.   
  
Logan Cale took me into his life and gave me a purpose. Suddenly, it wasn't all about me anymore. There were other people to worry about, good deeds to perform. I got a job and made friends, people I love more than anything in life. Logan, Original Cindy, Sketchy, Kendra, even Normal. . .they've all helped shape me into the person I am today. I look at Alec and see the girl I was two years ago. He's so bitter, bitter and angry. . .and afraid. I could see it in his eyes this morning when he left, that hint of fear and regret and confusion. He doesn't understand what it's like to feel, to be hurt. At Manticore you don't have emotions or feelings, just genetic programming. He doesn't understand what's happening to him, what it's like to care about someone else.   
  
Original Cindy pokes her head in and frowns when she sees the tear tracks on my cheeks. "You okay, Boo?" she asks. "You don't look too good. Want me to cover your run today?"  
  
I shake my head and brush the remaining tears from my cheeks. "I'm fine. I need to go to work. I can't pay rent if I don't get paid."  
  
"You sure?" she asks.  
  
"Positive. It'll distract me from kicking the crap out Alec. OC, really, I'm fine. Go ahead. I'll meet you at work."  
  
Her frown deepens and there's reluctance in her eyes, but she leaves. I wait until the door slams behind her before I get out of bed. I clean up the apartment a little and each movement brings back a memory. I throw out my torn tank and remake the bed, all awhile wondering how things went from being so wonderful to so crappy. I quickly shower and dress for work, hoping I don't run into Alec at Jam Pony. The last thing I need is a replay of this morning. I just need to get through work so I can spend a few hours with my "baby" and think. I'm not ready to face Alec, not until I have time on my own to work things out and figure out what to do about him.  
  
~ * ~  
Unfortunately, fate has other plans. I get to work just before nine and Normal starts riding my ass the instant I walk through the door.   
  
"You're late," he snaps as he looks at his watch. "That's one hour pay docked."  
  
"It's 8:59," I say smugly and point to the clock on the wall. "You're watch is off, so technically, I'm on time. That's NO pay docked."  
  
He opens his mouth to say something, but realizes his wrong and snaps it shut. "Fine," he says dejectedly. "Get to work."  
  
I shake my head at this antics and walk towards the back where the lockers are. Alec is already there, leaning against his locker talking to Lucy, the newest messenger. Like most of Alec's girls Lucy is cute and blond with enormous breasts. . .and nothing in the way of brains. He seems to like them that way, attractive, but not smart enough to talk back. He never invests much in his girlfriends and he makes it clear not to expect anything of him. I can see his allure: he's young, he's hot, he's good at flattery and praise. . .and it's easy to think you can make him fall in love with you. They don't know he won't fall in love, that he can't fall in love because he doesn't know how. He stiffens as I approach and leans into Lucy. She eats it up and bats her eyelashes at him. A grin curves the fullness of his lips and he whispers something in her ear.   
  
I slam my locker shut and they jump apart. Alec sees me and smiles mockingly. He throws an arm around Lucy's shoulders and leans back against the lockers.   
  
"Morning, Maxie," he says casually, as if nothing life-changing happened between us an hour ago.   
  
"Morning," I growl. "Shouldn't you be starting your run by now?" I say and roll my eyes at Lucy. She glares at me and sticks her tongue out. It figures Alec would find a girl with the maturity level of a two-year-old.   
  
"Actually," he says nonchalantly. "I was waiting for you."  
  
"Why?" I say suspiciously.   
  
"Because you're my partner today. Got a big package to deliver and Normal insisted on sending his best messenger with his favorite boxer. Get your bike. We're late and I have plans for after work; I'm not doing overtime."  
  
"You're serious?" I say in astonishment. "We're really working together today?"  
  
"Is your super-hearing not working? Yes, we're doing a run together. Get your bike and let's go!" He storms away angrily, slamming a locker shut on his way.   
  
Lucy glares at me again. "Thanks for nothing!" she yells. "I had him wrapped around my little finger and you blew everything! I hope your day sucks!" she cries and stomps away, her blond ponytail swishing furiously behind her.   
  
I sink back against a locker and wonder how it all came to this. I don't care if Lucy loves me or hates me, but I'm worried about Alec. He's so angry with me and the last thing either of us needs is to share a run today. I think we might spontaneously combust if we're alone together--and not in a good way. All the passion we experienced last night has been replaced with anger and something bad's going to happen before anything good.   
  
~ * ~  
I stare at Alec's leather-clad back as I pedal a few feet behind him, the "important" package strapped to my back. His shoulders are tense with repressed anger and I'm afraid he'll break off his handlebars if he doesn't loosen his grip. The first lady we delivered a package to barely opened her door once she got sight of the feral look in his eyes. He looks like an animal on the hunt. . .and I'm the pray. It's only a matter of time before he catches up with me.   
  
Ten minutes later he stops at an apartment building and I nearly crash my bike to avoid hitting him. I glare at him and silently follow him into the elevator. He presses a button and clasps his hands behind his back, whistling softly. "Could you please stop that?" I say curtly.  
  
"Why? Is it bothering you?"  
  
"Yes," I hiss. "Stop!" He only whistles louder and I resist the urge to kick him. "At least be nice this time," I say. "You nearly scared that last woman half to death."  
  
"Whatever," he says indifferently. "It's not my job to be nice."  
  
"Well, it's my job to get tips and I don't get any if you're a raging asshole."  
  
"Tough," he responds. "I'm not in the mood to be nice today."  
  
"Well I am," I say angrily. "And I want tips so you'd better be on your best behavior!"  
  
His fist slams out and for a second I think he's going to hit me. He hits a button and the elevator slams to a stop. He advances on me, his eyes dark with anger and hurt. "Stop pushing me, Maxie," he says heatedly. "I'm warning you. I'm not in the mood to play."  
  
"Lucky for you, I am," I say intensely and move to face him. "We need to work this out."  
  
"Why?" he asks. "So you can run to Logan and have some kind of justification for what happened last night. That's not what I'm about. You made a decision on your own Max, and I'm not making excuses for you."  
  
"That's not what I meant. . ."  
  
"Than what do you mean? You want me to go talk to Logan and tell him it's all my fault? Tell him I took advantage of you? You want me to lie and deny that you're a whore who'll do any guy who can touch her?"  
  
I react with a punch, so hard and fast that he stumbles a little and raises a hand to his throbbing jaw. "That was a mistake, Maxie."  
  
"Yeah, well so were you!" I say and hit him again, this time a well-placed kick to the shins. He winces, but doesn't fall; instead he kicks out and my legs collapse underneath me. "You were a mistake," I snarl as I get up. "I thought I saw something in you. I thought you were different, but you're just as much of an ass as ever. There's nothing good in you. That was an act this morning, pretending to be upset when I wouldn't talk about last night. You just wanted my sympathy, my pity so I'd come back for more. Well guess what? It worked. I do feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you because you're nothing but a Manticore tool who can't think for himself or feel anything or do anything right if he tried--."  
  
He slaps me, so hard that my head snaps back and smacks against the wall. I kick him viciously and he retaliates with a punch. We go at it like animals, duking it out in the confines of a luxury elevator. He hits me and I hit back; he kicks me and I do the same to him. It's weird, this physical fight of ours. To anyone else it would be domestic violence, but it's therapy for us. The animal instinct in both of us drives us to react primitively, to do things normal humans don't do. It's on of the many things that separate us from normal people, the animal impulses running through our veins. He hits me again and I kick him one last time, right in the groin, and he collapses in a heap on the ground. I stand over him in victory, but I don't feel very victorious. It felt good to hit him, to pay him back for all he put me through today, but there's something missing. There's no joy in my victory. I look at this battered body and all I want to do is take him in my arms and soothe away his pain.   
  
He struggles to roll over and stares up at me, the look in his eyes surprisingly flat. "You okay?" I ask him and he smiles tightly.  
  
"I'm always okay."  
  
I bend down and offer him a hand, but he declines. He looks at me strangely and lifts a hand to skim his fingers over my cheek. My skin is swollen and I wince from his touch. "I did that?" he asks roughly.  
  
"I'll heal," I say coolly. I wait for him to get up, but he just stays there, on the floor, unmoving. "Alec?" I say hesitantly. "Are you sure you're okay?"  
  
To my surprise, tears form in his eyes and spill down his cheeks. "I'm sorry," he says. "I'm so sorry." All the anger seeps out of my body and I carefully sit down next to him. I saw it this morning when he left my apartment with such pain in his eyes: his heart is beginning to unfreeze. Everything Manticore taught him is melting away and the emotions are hitting him like a tidal wave.  
  
"I don't understand, Maxie," he says, his voice laced with emotion. "What's happening to me?"  
  
I wrap my arms around him and rest my head on his shoulder, gently running my fingers through his hair. "You're feeling," I say softly and press a kiss to his temple.   
  
"I feel like I'm drowning. I don't know which way is up anymore."  
  
"I know," I say sympathetically. "But you will. Give it time, Alec. You're just waking up."  
  
"From what?"  
  
"From the dream that's Manticore. They do things to you, freeze your heart and soul and every part of you that feels."  
  
He rolls over and faces me, his blue eyes locking with my brown ones. There's pain there, and confusion. . .and hope. "I don't want to wake up. I like things the way they are."  
  
"Yes, you do," I insist. "Remember last night when you yelled at me for calling you heartless? Remember when you said you like the life you have, all the things you're experiencing, the freedom you have here? I know you remember. We'll take things slowly, a little at a time."  
  
"I don't like this," he says angrily. "I don't like not being in control. Look what you did to me, Maxie. I don't know who I am anymore."  
  
"You will know," I say. "With time everything will make sense. I was just like you when I got out. It's confusing and scary, but I'll help you through it. I've already done this, Alec. I know what it's like to have to face the real world. Manticore prepares you for a lot of things, but they don't prepare you for being human. They forget that despite all our special engineering and genes, we're human underneath. All the training you receive. . .nothing prepares you for what it's like on the outside."  
  
He looks at me through watery blue eyes. "Something changed last night. When I kissed you, it wasn't about love. You were pissing me off and I wanted to shut you up. But then I kissed you. . .and something snapped inside me. I don't know what happened, but something changed. I still wanted you. . .but it was different. I've never cared about any other woman I've been with, not like last night. I put you first. . .that's never happened before. I started caring about someone else, putting another person's wants above mine. I got to work this morning and nothing seems the same. I don't see the world the same way anymore and it's freaking me out. I'm scared, Maxie," he says bleakly and his eyes cloud with tears.   
  
I hug him to me and tuck my head into the crook of his neck. I stroke his hair and let him cry, holding him while his shoulders shake and his body trembles. "I love you," I say softly and can't help but smile as I say the words. It's the first time I've realized it, that I feel something more for Alec than annoyance and disgust. I love him. It just seems right to me, to love this broken man that reminds me so much of myself and needs my help. I can make him better, to show him there's more to this world than being a perfect soldier. I was lucky to find Logan to show me the right path. Now it's my turn to do the same for Alec.  
  
He struggles to a sitting position and pulls out of my arms. "I don't love you," he whispers and for an instant the bottom drops out of my world. "But I could," he continues. "If you help me. I don't know what love is Max, but I was thinking. . .you could show me. You could show me how to love you."  
  
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. It's funny, how much can change in the course of a day. Yesterday morning I woke up hating Alec and everything he stands for. . .twenty-four hours later I can't imagine a day without him. I want to help him learn to love. I need to help him learn to love.   
  
"I love you," I whisper. "I don't want to, but I do. You love me too." I reach up and brush my fingers across his cheek and his eyes close. He breathes in deeply, his skin heating up under my touch. "I'll show you how to love, Alec. I'll make you see how wonderful it is."  
  
"How did you know?" he asks raggedly, his voice barely more than a whisper. "How did you know what love is?"  
  
"I didn't," I say softly. "I didn't know until I met you. I thought I was in love with Logan. He's been so good to me and kind and gentle. He helped shape me into the person I am today and I'm grateful to him. I thought I loved him, but what I felt was gratitude and thankfulness; I didn't understand that love isn't about gratitude. I care about Logan. I enjoy his company and I need his advice, his friendship in my life--but I don't love him. Love is different. When I'm with Logan I'm happy, but I'm never really comfortable. I feel like I have to hide things from him, things he can't understand. He tries to see beyond my past, the primal instincts Manticore bred in me--but he can't. Every time I steal something, even if it's for the right reasons, I hate that disappointed look he gets in his eyes. Or when I go ballistic on a bad guy and kick the crap out of him. . .no matter how hard he tries, he can't hide how horrified he is. He doesn't understand me, not the way I need to be understood. He sees Manticore as an excuse for why I'm the way am, but it's not an excuse. It's an explanation, but it's not an excuse. Manticore is something he'll never understand. He doesn't understand what it's like to be different, to never really fit in. But when I'm with you. . .everything is different. I don't have to hide things from you or explain them. I feel right when I'm with you, Alec. I don't just care about you. I love you. When we had that fight this morning and I realized I might not have you in my life anymore. . .it scared me to death. I didn't realize for so long how much you mean to me. I overlooked how much I rely on your help, how much I enjoy your obnoxious comments because it means you're thinking about me; I didn't realize how much I look out for you or worry about you. . .or pray for your safety. I'm afraid to see you hurt and when you're in pain, I feel it here, where it hurts," I say and press his hand against my rapidly beating heart.  
  
"I love you, Alec, for who you are, what you are. . .what you can be. I'll wait for you, for as long as it takes."   
  
He takes my hand in his, gently rubbing his thumb along my palm. "I'm sorry, Maxie."  
  
"For what?" I ask.   
  
"For not being able to say what you want to hear. I'm sorry I can't tell you I--."  
  
I hold a finger to his lips and stop him in mid-sentence. "Shhh," I whisper. "You've said enough already. You need to give it time, Alec. I told you I'd wait for you and I mean it."  
  
He nods stiffly and raises a hand to cup my cheek. He kisses me tenderly and I melt into him. He pulls away and looks in my eyes. "Do you think you could hold me for a while?" he asks. The look in his eyes is so vulnerable and despondent that takes everything in me not to cry along with him.  
  
I smile warmly and wrap my arms around him. He leans his head against my shoulder and collapses against me. I gently rub his back, knowing how much he needs a human touch right now. I look up, at the painted ceiling and cracked mirrored walls and memorize every detail of the ruined elevator to remember what happened here. Two hours ago, when we got in this elevator, I wanted to turn back time and erase what happened last night--but now I never want to forget. I don't know what's in store for Alec and me, if we'll even make it as a couple. . .but I know I want to try.   
  
~ * ~  
Please, please, please respond! 


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